Google Raped My Sister and Stole My Dog
DILEMMA:
There’s a dog at the back door barking like mad and scratching at the doorframe.
There’s a webmaster at the front door screaming incoherently about his site being de-indexed.
QUESTION:
Which one do you let in first?
ANSWER:
Easy one… the dog. At least he’ll shut up if you let him in.
Google Panda, Penguin, etc….
As everyone within earshot of the webmaster world is aware, Google recently did several updates named after cute animals and rocked the entire webmaster world. You can tell this by reading the posts in a plethora of webmaster forums with names like:
- “What Google Panda Did to My Site”
- “Google Update Killed My SERP’s”
- “Google Swiped My Credit Card Pin and Moved to Mexico”
Read a few of those threads and you’d halfway suspect this algorithm update made the search so exclusive that for the average search term absolutely no results are available. It just returns a blank page. It has to, since everyone that speaks says their site got de-indexed.
The Good News
It’s impossible for *everyone* to have been hurt by this update. Every time one site comes out of number 1 position, another moves to number 1. That’s just reality. Is their update perfect? Hell no. But cheer up, there will be another in a few months, at which time everyone will be sure THAT one is the worst thing to hit the web since Justin Beiber fan sites. Time to figure out how to be the one that moves up when the others go down.
[HINT: Most likely the answer is "add sterling content" instead of spinning articles and hiring moronic linkbuilders to fake your way to success, but if you do that and it works I'll expect a kickback.]
Shaking Our Fist at the Sun
It’s worth remembering that though a decade or so back, Google was an upstart trying to unseat such giants as Netscape and Lycos… TODAY they have more money than most countries. Not most *small* countries… most countries. We can kick and scream, but it’s like complaining about the weather. Those that are wise act accordingly. When you wake up and it’s cold, you don’t go into forums and rant about the unfairness of cold… you go put on a sweater.
Improvise / Adapt/ Overcome
Don’t waste time shaking your fist at the sun or claiming you’ll use a different search engine. They still have more users than marijuana and changing search engines for your personal use is like pissing on a fire. Be realistic. Yes it sucks to lose rank, but unless bitching about it has a salutary effect the rest of us don’t see… put on your big-guy britches, accept that life isn’t fair, and figure out how to move forward.
That’s my two cents. If you’d rather keep ranting, knock yourself out. Just sayin’.
I’m Rob Jones… and I approve this message.
All the News, Just as I Imagine It To Be
NEWSFLASH: Terrorist Crisis at US Base
Today DC was notified of a shooting at a US base in Afghanistan in which two Brazillian soldiers were shot.
– Thinking quickly, President Obama quickly responded with a press release blaming George Bush.
– Harry Reid stood before CNN and announced this would never have happened if the DNC controlled the House.
– Nancy Pelosi called for a universal ban on all handguns in civilian hands across the US… just in case.
– Michelle Obama scheduled an emergency diplomatic peacekeeping tour to all major resorts on the Caribbean… taking along an entourage of family and friends to assist.
– Joe Biden hesitated… looked around, and said “So just how many is ‘a brazillion’ anyway?”
Yeah… I know it didn’t happen, but tell me it doesn’t have a ring of truth.
I’m Rob Jones… and I approve this message.
Giving the Speech Without Your Trousers
CAUTION: Pointless trip down memory lane follows:
You’ve been warned, so if you continue from here, don’t blame me. ~ RJ
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Despite the title this really isn’t about nekkididity
The reference pertains to a screwup that was the live-action version of that dream. Currently have You-Tube on while working. Listening to a chorale that we did in Trinity High School choir my senior year: Die Rosa Stand im Tau.
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That one has memories
Almost half a century ago {wow… ok, I’m officially old now} I got all flustered at UIL solo competition when they gave me this one to perform. Knew it cold, but it was acapella competition and we started based on a single tone from a pitch pipe.
Somehow I launched in on the first tenor part… which woulda been fine had I not been a second tenor, and their part had some notes that were higher than Charlie Sheen on a three day weekend.
The trousers part {finally}
Knew I’d done it the second I got going, but switching parts during the song wouldve gotten me nailed by the judges. So I dutifully did the first tenor part the whole way through… god-awful high notes and all. It was the choral equivalent of that nightmare where you are giving a speech and realize you forgot your trousers, only it wasn’t a dream.
Let’s just say I didn’t make the All-District ensemble and let it go at that.
Yeah yeah. Don’t blame me if you ignored the warning you dope.
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Related Rambling
We did a fair amount of stuff in other languages. This one was a piece of cake {well, provided you sang your own part}. It was the one that ran 14 pages in Latin that threw us a curve. If anyone from my old choir sees this {oddly according to Google, *somebody* reads this page, I should find out his name someday}… you’ll know I’m talking about Ne irascaris Domine.
Posting a video of that here, though clearly a different scoring of it than we did:
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You Kids Get Off My Lawn!
Occurs to me it woulda been a helluvalot easier to learn and practice this stuff if we’d had Youtube at the time. I’d launch into the traditional thing about how kids have it easier now, but having already realized I learned the songs above nearly five decades ago I think I’ll pass. If I did that the next thing ya know I’d be out hollering at kids to get off the lawn.
This whole post makes me wonder why my teeth aren’t in a jar by the bedside. Sheesh.
I'm Rob Jones... and I approve this message.
Coolpopaholics Anonymous
ME: Welcome to C-A. My name is Rob, and it’s been 15 minutes since my last coolpop.
AUDIENCE: Hi Rob.
Everyone remembers coolpops
They’re sorta like frozen KoolAid. In fact we used to make them at home exactly that way. We had those neat little plastic things you poured Koolaid into then froze them.
Don’t know if they still make the little plastic things, but the ones I get at the store are so cheap it’s probably less expensive than making them myself. Plus these are the real thing. Don’t recall the brand, but they’re apparently a very simple to make concoction containing water, flavored corn syrup, and pure uncut heroin.
The Coolpop Monkey on Your Back?
The good news… you can really cut into a tobacco habit by shifting to coolpops.
The bad news… I’ve tried tobacco in every form but injectable, and none is moderately as addictive as coolpops. Fortunately the government hasnt figured this out or the ATF would have a C tacked on at they end so they could tax that too.
Announcing Coolpopaholics Anonymous
So this has been a rambling effort to explain why I’m forming this self-help group. Any adult that has tried coolpops will immediately understand the benefit of such an organization. Thinking we could loosely base it on AA. When you get weak and find yourself in need of a coolpop, you call your sponsor. He comes over and takes you out drinking til it passes.
Oh well… enough. Gotta go to the freezer. I’m just starting this group for the good of others. I don’t need help. I can quit anytime. Really.
I'm Rob Jones... and I approve this message.
Breaking News: Shep Smith Sees Trump’s Shadow
Forecast: Six More Weeks of Silly News
Fox News Shepard Smith spent hours today in giggly anticipation of “breaking news” about whom “The Donald”* would endorse. He speculated on the nature of the coming event.
Oh the mystery. Oh the intrigue.
- Would “The Donald” endorse Newt as previously expected?
- Would he break from expectations and endorse Romney?
- Would Lassie get ‘em to quit guessing “Timmy’s in the well?” and just fill the waterbowl?
Did someone in programming think there are hordes waiting for “The Donald”* to speak before they commit to a candidate? If so, who told them that horrendous lie, why are they so gullible, and where were they when I had listings with dubious foundations for sale?
Finally the much anticipated moment arrived
“The Donald”* stepped forward to break the mounting suspense. He would support Romney. He did so for a number of weighty reasons; His splendid debate performance, his principled stands on issues, and he was the only one that made the pilgrimage to see him that hadn’t giggled at that combover that looks like a squirrel nesting on his forehead.
This Changes EVERYTHING
Or so we were assured by a breathless Shepard Smith following this pseudo-monumental event.
Everything? Really?
- Are housing values still lower than their mortgage?
- Is the unemployment rate still attrocious?
- Is our national debt still higher than Charlie Sheen on a weeklong bender?
If the answer to any of the above is “yes”…
Then it didn’t really change quite “everything”. Sorry, but overselling an event important to maybe 3 people (ok, 4 if we count you) was almost as annoying as listening to the angry dyke at MSNBC pretend to be a journalist instead of an embedded Obama campaign staffer.
Behold the KingMaker
Notwithstanding “The Donald’s”* desire to be perceived as having affected the outcome, his timing looks suspiciously like he just waited to see who was the likely nominee, then announced support so it might appear someone actually cared who he favored. We see similar acts from guys that speak to dead relatives of audience members. “Does someone have a deceased love one with an S in their name? You madam… he is beside me… is his name Sam? No? Simon? Ohhh, Susan. Yes… that’s it, Susan is here with me….”
RE: The asterisk after “The Donald”…
Any grown man that can repeatedly call a guy The {insertname} should be relegated to hosting a children’s program. C’mon Fox, your viewers deserve better than this breathless fanboy stuff.
There was real news to report today, and you’d have been just as well served devoting the coverage to Punxatawny Phil. It had just as much news value and a slightly stronger 50% chance of accuracy.
I'm Rob Jones... and I approve this message.
I Love the Smell of Facepalm in the Morning
NBC is Making Inroads Against SNL
The hardest job for the writers on Saturday Night Live has got to be writing a comedy parody of events that sound like a comedy parody to begin with.
Case in Point: NBC Goes All-In with the Race Card
Newt Gingrich made a speech after the results of the Florida primary, where he scored a fairly distant silver to Romney’s gold. In covering the speech for MSNBC (an undeclared arm of Obama’s campaign staff since 2008) Rachel Maddow elected to go into inflamed mode (wait, she has another?) about what she perceived as a racist statement by Gingrich.
To be fair, it would appear anything short of praise for Mr Obama is perceived as “racist” by Ms Maddow, but this one drew particular ire. In a jab referencing the president’s decision to favor the cameras with his singing voice, Gingrich remarked:
I’m not gonna compete with Obama in singing because I’m not running for entertainer in chief; I’m running for president. ~ Newt Gingrich
Maddow concluded this was a “minstrelsy” statement, an allusion to black-face performers from the late 19th / early 20th century that we all think of so frequently. Oddly I missed that when I heard him say it, but clearly I lack Ms Maddows finely tuned sense for detecting veiled racism (or preoccupation with minstrel shows, pick one).
On cue, the Reverend Al Sharpton…
…who would himself be considered a pejorative racial sterotype were he really a TV character instead of a real character on TV… dutifully stated that the racism was intentional, and Gingrich knew exactly what he was doing and who he was trying to appeal to.
[Based on later events, maybe he meant Newt was appealing to those crackers in the Florida panhandle?]
CLIP: Newt Crows/ Maddow Carps/ The Pres Croons
The following includes Gingrich’s statement, Maddow’s charges, and last but not least, the President doing a presentable snip from a Todd Rundgren classic.
[I still can't believe we aren't charged to watch this stuff.]
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Meanwhile, SERIOUS Journalism (NBC style)
Apparently Ms Maddow doesnt watch NBC political coverage herself, as her finely tuned radar didnt flag the following:
“Chuck, a lot of the counties in the Panhandle, in north Florida, the cracker counties, if you will…more resemble Georgia and Alabama than they do Florida.” ~ NBC’s Jonathan Martin of Politico
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C’mon… you know… CRACKER counties
Those must be the ones with uneducated racist white hicks… not the ones with spics, the darkies, or them money-grubbin Hebes?
Debunking the comment?
In response to a few lame attempts suggesting this was a reference to cowboys cracking whips in the Florida Panhandle, NOT a reference basically calling them uneducated white trash… I searched the net for a reference to Florida and “cracker counties” that pre-existed Tuesday’s comment by Martin. If the term was in use, it should be somewhere on the net, right?
The only reference I found used in a descriptive comment about the residents of that region was in a scholarly paper written about a 1950s Florida primary. It referenced the supposedly ignorant cracker vote of rural / backwoods / smalltown northwest Florida.
Somehow that reference sorta ate up the probability there was a different version of the word “cracker” in play when uttered by Martin. But hey, it’s not racist if it’s not about a minority, right?
OK, thanks to NBC / MSNBC for the educational moment
Guess we can look forward to another election season of unbiased campaign coverage from you. That’s nice. Anyway, thanks for starting us off with a double face-palm. Saves time.
I'm Rob Jones... and I approve this message.
Obama Wants All to Pay Their Fair Share
America Goes to Lunch
Ten guys go to the America Bar & Grill. All order the same meal, except a few order a little extra “to-go”. The total bill was $100. Here’s how the payment of the bill went.
- The guy in the custom suit paid $70.
- The four guys with the newest cars chipped in a combined $28 between them.
- The last five tossed out change totaling $2 (though the ones that got to-go meals went to the bathroom when the bill arrived).
When the guys who didn’t pay a penny returned from the bathroom, they were furious that the guy in the custom suit had clearly refused to pay his fair share.
In righteous indignation they picked up their to-go meals and stormed out.
Wait… If you think THAT sounds stupid
Then you REALLY don’t want to hear the 2012 State of the Union speech, where Barrack Obama defended the idea that the guy in the suit refused to pay his fair share.
The top 10% pays 70% of ALL income taxes
The top 50% of income earners cover 98% of the entire tab. The other half of the nation pays only 2% of the bill, with those that consume taxpayer funded social services paying nothing.
Source: Kiplinger.com - Where do you rank as a taxpayer?
Now… what’s this about not paying “their fair share”?
Obama is one helluva public speaker
He has to be to make an argument that logically fallacious sound “inspiring” to some… but with an economy on its way to becoming Greece, we don’t need a good speaker, we need a President that understands economics (or at least simple math).
Anyone that bought into his “Warren Buffet’s secretary” argument needs to hide their head, or at the very least buy a dictionary and a math book.
I'm Rob Jones... and I approve this message.
