Elliot Spitzer: {insert punch line here} BUT… Is this REALLY news?

[AUTHORS NOTE: If you didn’t know it already I’ll say it. Deep down, I’m shallow. ]

…and YOU sir, are no Bill Clinton!

NEWS FLASH: Politician Screws Someone Besides His Constituents!

Today after it became evident to millions that’d never heard of him that Elliot Spitzer is a regular client of the world’ oldest profession, he resigned as governor of New York, saying: “I cannot allow my private failings to disrupt the people’s work.”

As every news outlet in the nation covered this momentous event, my first thought… YO! ELLIOT! Have you lost your flippin’ brain? DENY DENY DENY! Did you sleep thru the entire Clinton administration?

Let’s look at your problems through Bill’s eyes Elliot:

Ø So they have witnesses. Obviously political hacks from the other side using dirty tricks.

Ø So they have documentation. Damn right wing conspiracy.

Ø Hey, maybe they have pictures. Hello… ? Photoshop.

Ø You wrote $80k in checks with “for whores” in the memo line. Hey… I have an entertainment budget. What’s your point?

Then he’d shake his finger at us and in the voice dad used when you “forgot” to mow the yard he’d look us in the eye and say “I did not have sex with that woman Ms. {insert name of the day}.

I might not agree with a single political thought Bill had, but having watched his wife on TV, hey, I can’t get real worked up over his recreational choices. Granted, you had to wonder about the judgment of a guy that sees a curvaceous intern flash a thong at the leader of the free world and HIS first impression is… “Here’s someone I could trust to be discrete”. And yet he survived.

The man took denial from a mere act to performance art. He could get caught literally in the act and he’d have come up with some way of making the accusers look worse than he did. Ken Starr had him dead to rights. He had a blue dress with… umm… DNA on it. Now Bill makes millions on the lecture circuit and “Ken Starr” is an answer nobody gets right on crossword puzzles. So much for anyone REALLY caring about virtue. People make a lotta noise, but that doesn’t seem to dictate their later actions.

But I guess its best you DO step down, Elliot. Obviously you aren’t ready for the big time. Slick Willie faced several scandals like this before breakfast every morning. Yet like him or not, he held the office four more years than his predecessor, and that guy had credentials out the wazoo and never so much as crossed a street against a “Don’t Walk” sign.

Oh well… take heart, junior. The next shiny object will come along and nobody (OK, maybe your wife) will remember this in a few weeks. Just don’t throw any parties for a while; for now you’re kryptonite as far as your friends are concerned. It’ll blow over.

Even as we speak the press is busy discussing the revelation that Maryanne from Gilligan’s Island may use marijuana (who cares?) and whether Southwest Airlines failure to check for cracks on planes will permanently damage their reputation (it won’t).

BUT: The Real Problem with this “News” Story

Hey news people… here’s a real news flash for you. We have a war or two in progress… lives on the line. There are mass murders taking place in various countries. We have an education system that cranks out drooling idiots that cAn’T sPeEL and couldn’t locate major world powers on a map even if marked. [Last one isn’t a shock given the tripe that passes for NEWS here.]

So given all the stuff you could be reporting on, why in the hell is every freaking station showing me pictures of a middle aged guy that got laid for money and/or a TV star who hasn’t been in front of a camera in 4 decades but might share an affinity for the same foliage most of your industry obviously uses daily or we’d be watching REAL news?

Wow… the things we find newsworthy.

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I’m Rob Jones, and I approve this message.