All the News, Like Me, Fair and Imbalanced

Given the technology and money available I can’t hope to compete with mainstream news when it comes to getting scoops. Being industrious (well sorta) I’ve devised a clever plan… I’ll just *predict* it. If history holds true chances are I’ll be about as close as they are to the truth. Anyway, I’ll give it a shot.

Come back in January and we’ll see how I did.

Dateline: Jan 26 2009

White House
In national news, Barack Obama was sworn in as President of the United States. Analysts are uncertain what this might mean to the Clinton campaign… but their spokesmen acknowledged that while this might be viewed by some as a setback… “Hillary will not give up until the people have spoken”.

President Obama

Capitol Hill
After the dismal turnout in which the outcome of the election was decided by less people than get stuck in elevators on a given day… Congress voted to scrap the current electoral system and move to the proven selection method used on American Idol.

The Supreme Court is thus far mute on the constitutionality of having half the vote vested in a panel composed of an angry Brit, a drunken bimbo, and some guy who calls everyone “dog”.

Celebrity News

Today Lindsey Lohan and Brittany Spears were wed in an apparent effort to revive mutually flagging careers. The public ceremony was attended solely by paparazzi and selected members of child services. In lieu of a catchy “TomCat” or “Bennifer” type tag, it appears the national media plans to just continue calling them by their current name… “Sluts”.

How are they Now?

How is time treating the guys you paid to see at the box office?

Tom Cruz – Still weird.

Russell Crow – Still an asshole.

John Wayne – Still dead.
More as these stories develop.
Last month’s patch to Windows trouble prone Vista operating system seems to have finally done the trick. Users across the world report the system now performs flawlessly.

In related news, Microsoft announced the rollout of “Windows Tomorrow”, an untested new operating system which will immediately come preloaded on all computers produced anywhere. Existing Vista users can expect full and complete support of the current software until at least Wednesday.

Economic News
Plagued by rising fuel costs and decreasing revenues as the economy continues its headlong plummet into hell, American Airlines announced that effective immediately it is laying off all employees in an effort to keep the ailing air giant aloft.

In a stirring appeal to unity and company loyalty, the Chairman asked employees to remain on as volunteers “since tough economic times require teamwork, spirit, and sacrifice”. Afterward the board voted unanimously to award themselves large bonuses and adjourned for lunch.

International News – Afghanistan

In a video aired today on Al Queda Television, Osama Bin Laden repeated his standard plan to bury America, annihilate all infidels, take over the world, and spread the peace of Allah across the globe. Then in an added twist he indicated it is the duty of the faithful to phone in enough votes to decide the upcoming finale of Dancing with the Stars.

The last part initially puzzled analysts who immediately suspected an encoded message, but informed sources later indicated Osama’s just been upset ever since when Wayne Newton failed to make the finals.

International News – Iraq
In a surprise move the war in Iraq was entirely resolved this week when the Iraqi Parliament voted to post signs across Iraq declaring it to be a “Gun Free Zone”.

Police then rounded up hordes of frustrated but disarmed terrorists who, powerless to overcome the signs, peacefully complied, though later they vowed to carry on the fight by posting unflattering parodies of their opponents on the internet.


OK… Granted I made it up, but that never stopped Dan Rather, so I figure I’m just following time honored tradition. Anyway, if you don’t like it, get out there and do something to make it happen otherwise. At least with my news stories you get some notice.

That’s all the news… just as I imagine it to be.

Have a pleasant evening, and goodnight.

I\'m Rob Jones... and I approve this message.

I’m Rob Jones, and I approve this message.

One thought on “All the News, Like Me, Fair and Imbalanced

  1. You are amazingly correct, at lest on the first item.

    Billary, who once said that neither Florida nor Michigan mattered (when she was still a prohibitive 25-point favorite for the nomination), is now furious that she did not receive all of the delegates from both states…and that those who were seated only get half votes.

    In other news, she now claims the nomination is her birthright because she leads among delegates with half votes.

    Finally, there has been no public word from the Kopechne family on Ted Kennedy’s cancer.


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