If Obama Ran the Olympics

Romney’s Weak Olympic Brag
Much has been made about Romney coming in and turning things around when the Salt Lake Olympics were getting ready to flounder. Personally I find such boasts to be silly. He didn’t really do that.

I mean, sure, he DID that, but he can hardly take credit for it when you think about it. Face it, he got there on roads built by other people, was the beneficiary of food he didn’t have to cook, slept in beds he didn’t make himself, etc. Frankly I think he’s a freakin braggart to take credit at all. If I’m a betting man he made his dog ride all the way there on his roof, maybe his wife too.

But let’s imagine someone else in his role
How might things have been different had it been Obama who got tapped to handle the Olympics? Let’s take a look at the events of the Obama presidency and apply them to the Olympics. Here’s how it might look:

Executive Order – Effective Immediately

To: Olympic Committee Members

Dear Sirs –

HOPE you AND all members note the CHANGE in rules below becomes effective at once.

Should  you choose to point out these changes are inconsistent with the bylaws, or that bylaws may only be changed by a vote of the Olympic Committee, your recourse is laid out in the paragraph below labelled “Protests”.


Qualifying for the US Team

1. — Those wishing to play for the US may do so, and may NOT be required to show ID or proof of residency or citizenship.

2. — Those that unfortunately died prior to the Olympics may NOT be discriminated against on the basis of this status. They will be allowed to compete. Again, requiring them to show valid ID is hereby deemed inappropriate.

3. — Men will be allowed to compete on any women’s team, or vice versa, as refusing to do so would be blatant gender discrimination.



 The shameful practice of allowing Ralph Lauren to outsource uniforms to China is over. Henceforth the contract will be awarded to a DNC donor, who will then outsource them to Finland.


Judging Changes

Shooting Sports

 Only judges will be allowed to have weapons. We apologize for any inconvenience, but this is best for safety and the protection of all competitors and observers.

Timed Events

 In timed events the use of stopwatches will be discontinued. Runners will report their own times on the honor system.

Basketball and Hockey

 Teams consistently scoring higher points will have 30% of their points deducted and re-awarded to teams that failed to score at all.


 In past we awarded medals to those with the fastest times. Studies have shown this placed some runners at a serious disadvantage. This year, runner’s times will be averaged to avoid giving unfair advantage to the swifter contestants. Medals will then be awarded to those that donated the most to my campaign.



To better serve those present — We’d like to announce we have purchased enough ammunition to shoot every man, woman and child at the Olympics twice or more. Further, we have imported aerial drones and MRAP battle vehicles from war zones, to preserve security of course.


In the event anyone protests any rule above, they may at the discretion of the president be indefinitely detained and/or killed. To avoid unnecessary alarm to others in cases where action is necessary, a wet t-shirt contest will be held simultaneously on the other end of the complex until the punishment is effected. *

* Yes We Can.


I’m Rob Jones… and I approve this message.

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