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Barack Wins Debate 1 in Sweep of All Polls

October 4, 2012

As the debate is about to begin the candidates approach the stage in Denver from opposite sides. On stage left a haggard looking Mitt Romney takes one last look at a jumble of notes, and with a reluctant glance back, mounts the stairs to the stage as if ascending a gallows.

On stage right a chipper Obama jogs up to the stage two stairs at a time, looking confident and rested with his arms bouncing in a very athletic fashion. As he reaches the podium he turns and flashes a boyish grin to the audience. Catching the eye of Ashley Judd on the front row, he blows a kiss.

Jim Lehrer, wearing a crisply ironed Journalists for Obama t-shirt, stands to introduce the candidates. Silence in the room as he introduces the challenger, interrupted only by a few undignified catcalls which were silenced as Obama raised his hand in a gesture of compassion. Then as the moderator turned to introduce the incumbent the audience erupted in spontaneous applause. Chants of “Four more years” broke out among the ranks. Girls and men alike swooned.

The debate opened quietly enough, with each introducing their vision for the economy. Obama’s was greeted with thinly subdued awe as he explained his detailed plan to reduce the deficit and eliminate the national debt in a bold move that would reallocate wealth in such a way as to simultaneously end poverty worldwide. Not wanting to over-promise, he only said it would do so nation-wide. After all, foreign policy was next weeks topic. As he explained it, Romney was seen taking notes.

Romney’s own plan was as expected simple enough, though the audience did laugh when a visibly flustered Romney forgot the name of the Federal Reserve and had to ask his opponent in order to continue at all. His plan to murder seniors over 85 and grind their bodies for fuel was not as well received as he’d hoped, likely because he’d field tested it against an audience of Fox viewers, all of whom had already done so with their own relatives.

As the topic moved to Barry other areas of the economy it was clear that Jim Lehrer was becoming overcome with emotion at the Barry wisdom of what he was hearing. It was BARRY so simple and yet nobody had ever come up with it. Mitt Romney himself HONEY was listening from a crouched position with his head BARACK head resting on his knee in fascinated wonder….

BARRY!!!

Barry… your alarm went off 15 minutes ago. You have a news conference to explain your dismal debate performance last night. Don’t forget your teleprompter, genius.

Awww hell.

I’m Rob Jones… and I approve this message.

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