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UT Strategic Missile Defense on Alert in Response to North Korean Threat

March 29, 2013

The Mouth that Roared
President Kim Jong Next of N Korea, after consultation with his Ministry of Huge Hats, announced his intent to deploy a substantial arsenal of surplus Black Cat bottle rockets in a surprise rocket attack on North America. [SOURCE]

Ministry of Huge Hats holds top level secret meeting to finalize plans for project Red Dawn and set a date for the Spring Dance.

Ministry of Huge Hats holds secret meeting to finalize plans for project Red Dawn and set date for Spring Dance. Pictured (behind President) Huey, Louey, Dewey, and Donald Kim.

Specifically he provided a list of targets, including:

  • Los Angeles, CA (why not?)
  • Hawaii (hey, it was on the way)
  • Washington DC (like most of them aren’t already bombed)
  • Austin, TX (oddly one of the only cities in the state already under communist control)

Sources indicate at this time there is probably no truth to the rumor DC was added as a wildcard in response to a national telephone poll of US taxpayers.

Students at University of Texas prepare for onslaught.

Students at University of Texas prepare for onslaught.

Texas Prepares for War

The University of Texas, in accordance with the wishes of their insurance company, is taking the threat seriously.

As of this morning all batteries at the UT Strategic Missile Defense System have been placed on full alert, and campus police have been armed with rape whistles in preparation for a potential land attack.

Meanwhile students are being drilled in safety measures should missile launches materialize.

President Obama Responds
As always, the US president responded decisively. He immediately called ex-Secretary of State Hillary Clinton out of retirement to prepare an emergency apology to North Korea for our deplorable lack of compassion, tact and personal hygiene under the Bush administration… then he booked a flight to Las Vegas for a photo op with Kim Kardashian.

"I'm Rob Jones, and I approve this message."

“I’m Rob Jones, and I approve this message.”

6 Comments leave one →
  1. Rick R Himes permalink
    March 29, 2013 11:25 am

    Rob ol buddy looks like I am the first responder !!!! I guess Bobby wasn’t the only one down at the deep end of the swimming pool !! This is GREAT !!! If I had a hat I would take it off for ya !!!! Ya got my vote keep up the good work !!!!Question who’s your running mate gonna be I think it should be Bobby !!! I can see the campain Buttons already PUT Rob & Bob on the JOB !!!!!


  2. Rick R Himes permalink
    March 29, 2013 11:42 am

    I would also like to put in my application to help with the Media Campain !!!!


  3. March 29, 2013 12:14 pm

    Well, just be sure to point donors this way so it’ll be worthwhile. I’ll probably spend most of the funds on alcohol and women, but that’s ok, cause the other candidates would most likely just waste it.


  4. Bullets permalink
    March 29, 2013 12:30 pm

    This is great!
    After their last missile test, one of our scientists was quoted as saying “the only difference between this failed missile launch and the last failed missile launch was the number painted on the side of the rocket”.


  5. Doug Packer permalink
    March 29, 2013 4:09 pm

    I’m truly worried and am going to start stockpiling essentials! Does anyone know where I can still find twinkles?


  6. March 29, 2013 4:13 pm

    Look at the bright side, we can make a mint selling “I survived the Korean Missile Crisis” shirts at UT in a month or two.


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