The Mouth that Roared
President Kim Jong Next of N Korea, after consultation with his Ministry of Huge Hats, announced his intent to deploy a substantial arsenal of surplus Black Cat bottle rockets in a surprise rocket attack on North America. [SOURCE]
Specifically he provided a list of targets, including:
- Los Angeles, CA (why not?)
- Hawaii (hey, it was on the way)
- Washington DC (like most of them aren’t already bombed)
- Austin, TX (oddly one of the only cities in the state already under communist control)
Sources indicate at this time there is probably no truth to the rumor DC was added as a wildcard in response to a national telephone poll of US taxpayers.
Texas Prepares for War
The University of Texas, in accordance with the wishes of their insurance company, is taking the threat seriously.
As of this morning all batteries at the UT Strategic Missile Defense System have been placed on full alert, and campus police have been armed with rape whistles in preparation for a potential land attack.
Meanwhile students are being drilled in safety measures should missile launches materialize.
President Obama Responds
As always, the US president responded decisively. He immediately called ex-Secretary of State Hillary Clinton out of retirement to prepare an emergency apology to North Korea for our deplorable lack of compassion, tact and personal hygiene under the Bush administration… then he booked a flight to Las Vegas for a photo op with Kim Kardashian.