Application to Become a Texan

We seem to be getting a lot of immigration, and unfortunately way too much of it is crossing our northern border instead of the more customary and acceptable trek across the Rio Grand. So it seemed time to implement a little quality control.

If you’re considering a move here, please fill this out.

APPLICATION TO BECOME A TEXAN

A Note from the Governor:

This application is for men ONLY. We pick women when the Cowboy Cheerleaders hold try-outs.

Thank you in advance for understanding.

SECTION1: BASIC IDENTIFICATION

First Name:________________Middle (circle one) Joe / Bob / Ray

Last:______________________

Nickname:_______________________________ CB Handle:_____________________

Daddy (Most probable):____________________________________

Other possible choices (for
sake of brevity, do not include uncles)

1)___________________

2)___________________

3)___________________

Mamma’s Name:_________________________

Your Neck Shade: Light Red / Medium Red / Dark Red

# Teeth visible when you grin:

Upper: 1 / 23-24 / Teeth?

Lower: 1 / 23-24 / Teeth?

Cap Emblem on Head right now :
John Deere / USMC / Budweiser / Coors / NAPA / Wayne Feeds / Horny Senior Citizen

Number of Dogs:____

Type:
Blue Tick / Hound / Healer / Bird / Dobie / Hard to tell / Fifi sumbitch my wife’s sister bought

SECTION 2: APPROPRIATE TRANSPORTATION

1. Type Pickup owned:
Ford / Chevy / Dodge Ram / Other

2. My truck is equipped with:

Gun Rack	Spittoon	Confederate Flag
4-Wheel Drive	Camper Top	Dual CB Antennas
Load of Wood	Mud Flaps	Cassette Deck
Hijacker Shocks	Big Dog	Mud-Grip Tires
Air Horns	Radar Detector	Winch

3. Number of empty beer cans on floorboard or in bed of truck at present:______________

4. Does your truck contain some part painted the official state color of Primer Red?

YES / NO

5. Which of the following bumper stickers are on the truck?:

Eat more Possum	Guns Don’t Kill People, I Do.	Hey, it’s paid for
America Love it or Leave it	Keep Honking, I’m Re-Loading	Sore/Loserman
Red Man Chew	I-30 Goes Both Ways Asshole	Bush/Cheney 2000
If yain’t cowboy ya ain’t shit	Honk if you love Jesus	Reagan for President

SECTION 3: NATIVE SURVIVAL SKILLSA. Define the following foods (must be 90% correct):

1. Grits__________________________________________________________

2. Taters_________________________________________________________

3. Chitlins______________________________________________

4. Pig Skins_______________________________________________________

5. Jalepenos____________________________________________

6. Chickin Fried Steak_______________________________________________

7. Okrie__________________________________________________________

8. Redeye Gravy___________________________________________________

9. Soppin’ Syrup____________________________________________________

10. Crawdads______________________________________________________

B. Which of the following would be OK to play on the jukebox ?

Reba McEntire	Dixie Chicks	George Strait
Barbara Streisand	Ray Wylie Hubbard	Alice Cooper
Hank Williams Jr	Cher	Shania Twain
George Jones	Willie Nelson	Puff Daddy

C. Which comments are inappropriate to make to a guy next to you at a bar?

Thank God Jerry Jones replaced Landry.

That Natalie Maines makes me proud to be an American.

Hey, don’t they have any show tunes on this juke box?

Do these jeans make my butt look big?

Need a ride to the Obama rally? Whoopi’s gonna be there.

I’ll tell you how we used to handle that issue in New Jersey.

I’ll say she’s hot. Looks just like Danae on “All My Children“!

Six kinds of steak and no Sushi? I say we just check out the wine list.

Is there a nice 4-star hotel near this deer lease?

So, what’s your sign?

My psychiatrist says I’m finally in touch with my inner child.

So does your wife always dress like that or is there a costume
party?

How ’bout that ballgame last night?

D. Rank these in order of acceptability: (1 = best , 9 = worst)

I have just come from…

__ an AA meeting	__ Hunstville Prison	__ a high school football game
__ the DNC Convention	__ a whorehouse	__ killing my elderly neighbor
__ church	__ the ballet	__ visiting my brother in New York

[Note: If you listed “DNC Convention” higher than #10, do not continue this application. You’re done.]

SECTION 4: RECREATION

A. Favorite Friday evening past-times:

Cow Tipping	Monster Trucks	Honky Tonkin
Bass Fishin	Hunting	4 Wheelin
Catfishin	Horse Shoes	Drinking
NASCAR	Skinny Dippin	Drinking

B. Seasons in which I regularly bag my limit:

Deer Season	Duck Season	Black Powder Season
Dove Season	Bow Season	Tourist Season

C. Have you ever stayed sober for a whole weekend?
YES / NO

If so, why?_________________________________________________

D. # / Type Firearms (Due to limited space, list repeating arms only)

Deer Rifles * Number___ * Calibers: ___, ___, ___, ___, ___, ___,

Large-Bore Shotguns * Number___

Varmint Caliber Shotguns * Number * Bores: ___, ___, ___, ___, ___, ___,

Varmint Rifles * Number * Caliber: ___, ___, ___, ___, ___, ___, ___, ___

# Handguns ________ (Don’t bother counting those below .38 Cal)

E. How many of those listed above are…

1: On your person now? ______

2. In your truck? _______

3. Armor piercing? ______

SECTION 5: MARITAL STATUS

A. Are you Married?
YES / NO

If the answer above is “yes” please answer the following:

B. My wife is also my :____Sister ____Cousin ____Sow

C. Do you know her name?
YES / NO

D. Does she weigh more than vehicle listed in Section 2?

YES / NO

SECTION 6: EDUCATION BACKGROUND

A. Can you sign your name and get the spelling right every time?
YES / NO

B. Can you count: Past 10 with your shoes on?
YES / NO

C. Have you been arrested for Indecency when counting to 21 or higher?
YES / NO

D. Do you know any words that have more than four letters?
YES / NO

E. Did you graduate from a real University?
YES / NO

If so, which?
University of Texas / Texas Tech

Please mail completed application to:

Texas Dept of Immigration & Naturalization / Austin TX

NOTE: IF THIS APPLICATION IS DENIED YOU MAY BE ELIGIBLE FOR CITIZENSHIP IN OKLAHOMA.

THEIR STANDARDS ARE SLIGHTLY LOWER, AND YOU WOULD STILL BE ABLE TO VISIT TEXAS.

Courtesy
Rob Jones… http://robjonesforpresident.com

Some content purloined from other sources. I call it “research“.

2 thoughts on “Application to Become a Texan”

wendell harlow says:

September 4, 2013 at 2:55 pm

You know, I went through this (laughing like a hyena) and filled it out mentally. The thing is, I think they’d accept me.

Should I be proud or scared?

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Rob Jones says:

September 4, 2013 at 3:00 pm

“Embarrassed”.

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