Dear Santa… WTF Were You Thinking?

Dear Santa,

Next year for Christmas I’d like a cold. Not just any cold, make sure it’s so debilitating I can’t see the family over the holidays. I mean, just cause the kids traveled a few hundred miles in with my granddaughter doesn’t mean I need to see ’em.

While I’m vacillating between thinking I’ll die and fearing I won’t… I’d also like the heat to go out due to failure of an ancient breaker unavailable at any major hardware chain. Try to schedule it on a Saturday night so the stores that might have it will be closed the next day.

I realize this is a tall order, but if you can squeeze in just one more request, maybe you drop the temp outside enough so a water pipe can burst too. Don’t do it while I’m at the house though, let me get a few towns away so it’ll be a surprise when the neighbors call to say they just had to shut off my water main.

Go ahead and set that up for a Sunday. It’s always more fun to call a plumber on a holiday AND a Sunday.

That’s it Santa. I realize you already got me all of those things this year, but I was thinking with a full year notice I might be able to handle ’em a little better.

Love, Rob

BTW… hope you choked on the milk and cookies, you fat maniac.

I'm Rob Jones... and I approve this message.

The Night Before Christmas

Naah… as I post it’s actually a couple of nights… but nobody has a decent poem out that starts “It was a couple of nights before Christmas”, so I’m claiming poetic license.

On the topic of poetic license, I figure mine’s gonna get revoked. Wrote yet another parody of the Christmas classic “Twas the Night Before Christmas”. That probably makes mine about the 12 millionth, so there’s bound to be a penalty. License revocation’s about the least they should do.

Having already defaced the poem once I won’t repost it… but you can see it in all its infamy over at the BOTW Blog.

Twas the Night Before Christmas (Webmaster Version)

Feel free to go throw rocks and stones. You won’t be the first.

Meanwhile: The BethO Hostage Crisis Continues

Beth (aka: TheBride™) is on about day 20 or so in a row at work.Economic downturn or not, the guys that buy saddles and horse stuff down at the saddle shop seem to able to buy… so things are pretty busy.

Unfortunate part, her boss is a little fella named Klint Owens, and he is in my opinion a jerk… a preening, posturing little bully that has an amazing shortage of men at his shop. Could be because it’s easier to pick on girls and smaller guys. A full sized cowboy might clean his clock.
[Edited this section on 3-27-2009 to add what I diplomatically avoided in December.]

[Hi Klint… hope you have a Google alert going, you pompous little windbag.]

Anyway, at this rate I’ll probably see her around March.

Tell the dancing girls to quit coming to house at the end of February.

Hope everyone has a great Christmas. Best wishes on making 2009 a great year.

I'm Rob Jones... and I approve this message.
I'm Rob Jones... and I approve this message.

“Happy Easter, buckethead!” [Living the DigitalPoint Experience]

easter-bunny-in-grass.jpegOK, possibly not the most complimentary note I’ve had today, but no doubt the most objectively correct.

I wandered into DigitalPoint’s ODP forum today for the purpose of wishing a few there a happy holiday. First thing I noticed… they’d already been engaged in their daily deathmatch since the early AM. Apparently there are no holidays in the great war to do whatever it is they wanna do by spending every day furiously countering the latest threat to their closely guarded belief that Dmoz either is or isn’t the fleshly incarnation of Lucifer.

Huh? Don’t you guys get days off?

Easter is a significant holiday, which judging from TV has something to do with celebrating the death and resurrection of the easter bunny… possibly loosely based on an ancient Judaic “eating of the Holy peeps” ritual. Then there’s something about colored eggs… I dunno, it’s all sorta confusing. Anyway, it IS a recognized holiday, which oughta be a good excuse for not spending it duking it out with some moronic trolls whose opinions mean nothing in the grand scheme.


I’ve had the addiction to argue ad infinitum in there myself, or at least I did. I’m not an editor at Dmoz now, so doing it would be (IMO) a classic case of Obsessive Compulsive behavior at this point (lol, like it wasn’t before?). The again, several people in there are ex-eds that have more time spent there talking about ODP than they ever spent actually editing AT ODP, and they still post as if there lives depended on it. [Yes, it IS sad… but if you’ll send just $1 a day to my PayPal account we can help these poor unfortunates. So show that you care, and give today, while they still have a chance.]

Hard NOT to post there when you see the utter crap that passes for wisdom in that room, but it’s a classic case of wrestling  with a pig, ya just get muddy while the pig has a grand old time.

Granted, at least one of them is an occult guy… he’s probably bound by cultural norm to avoid celebrating holidays including anything as significant as colored eggs that get misplaced and make the entire house smell like rotten sulfur, so he gets a pass. Aside from that, I’m pretty sure the voices talk to him every time the foil slips a bit, so it isn’t like he’s missing out on companionship.

The rest however gotta fess up to their problem and enter the next 12-step course they can find.

ME: “Hi, I’m Rob, and I haven’t posted at DP for 7 days.”


Seriously boys, it’s just a directory. You gotta get out in the sunshine a little, your brains are gonna rot. Why waste your time in that forum?

The guys who are supposed to be moderating it certainly don’t.



I’m Rob Jones, and I approve this message.