Statistics Never Lie

statistics never lieGAME SAFETY SURVEY —–

* SURVEY OBJECTIVE:
Identify safe children’s games

* SURVEY QUESTION:
Is this game safe to play?

* POPULATION: 6 players

* SAMPLE SIZE: 83.33%

* RESULT: YES 
(100% concurrence of interviewees)

FINDING: Survey covers more than representative sample of population (1 player was unavailable for comment). After interviewing all available participants, we have overwhelming data to support conclusion the game is safe.

RECOMMENDATION: Recommend adoption in elementary schools as replacement for dangerous playground games.

NAME OF GAME: “Russian Roulette”

I'm Rob Jones... and I approve this message.
I’m Rob Jones… and I approve this message.

White House Announces Improved Border Security

NATIONAL SECURITY NEWS
This morning the White House announced completion of a new ultra secure southern border fence, built at a cost of $3 trillion. Nancy Pelosi pronounced this as clear evidence of the president’s continued commitment to the safety of our homeland.

A $4 billion bid is underway to have the sign thereon translated into Arabic, Urdu, Pashto and Farsi.

border gate

The sign contract, secured by Barry’s Imaginary Son & Sons, is estimated for completion in June.

In Related News…
The president of Mexico filed a formal protest, saying such unwarranted and Draconian security measures might deny millions of central and south American children their right to unfettered access to the US education system.

I'm Rob Jones... and I approve this message.
I’m Rob Jones… and I approve this message.

Hey Kids! Time to Play ObamaSpeech Bingo!

OBAMASPEECH BINGO – The ISIS Version

TEAM A SCORES WHEN OBAMA:
1) Starts speech 15 or more minutes after announced time
2) Says “Let me be clear about this”
3) Blames “previous administration” for anything
4) Attempts to sound like MLK and breaks into southern belle accent
5) Says “Islam is a religion of peace”
6) Takes credit for something he had little/nothing to do with
7) Calls ISIS “ISIL” to avoid pointing out he screwed up in Syria
8) Raises voice while pointing toward right field foul line
9) Says “boots on the ground”
10) References woman in audience fainting, throws out water bottle
11) Says the phrase “right side of history”
12) Gets off teleprompter and surrenders to France

 

TEAM B SCORES WHEN OBAMA:
1) Says “because it’s the right thing to do”
2) Blames GOP, tea party or Do-nothing congress.
3) Raises hand to ear in “I can’t hear you” mode
4) Any permutation of the phrase “crossing the line”.
5) Mentions powers he has which are not enumerated in Constitution
6) Mentions the death of Osama bin Laden
7) Pretends he crushed Al Qaida
8) Says “as Commander-in-Chief”
9) Actually catches fainting woman
10) Emphasizes point with left-hand hatchet chop
11) Gets off teleprompter and comes out of closet

jackassAdvanced Players & Alcoholics:
• Teams alternate taking Tequila shots every time he uses the pronoun “I” or “me”. When you lose consciousness you are out.
• If he uses them more than 5 or more times in 1 sentence, both teams must stand on one leg til he does so again. If you fall down you’re out.

.

BONUS: If he admits that a country the US had in its possession when he took the reins is being conquered by a guy the US had in captivity when he took the reins… both teams win.

 

I'm Rob Jones... and I approve this message.
I’m Rob Jones… and I approve this message.

 

Greg Abbott: Hates Children, Puppies… Loves Rapists

ABBOTT: Loves rapists, fatcats. Hates children. Can't stand.
ABBOTT: Loves rapists, fatcats. Hates children. Can’t stand.

GREG ABBOTT – As Texas Attorney General

  • * He dropped charges against rapists statewide.
  • * He tried to make wife-beating legal.
  • * Twice sued to have children’s piggy banks confiscated & distributed to his fatcat friends.

Plus… Greg Abbott hates puppies. Yes. He really does.

BUT YOU HAVE A CHOICE!

WENDY: Loves children, puppies, & people.  NOT cripple.
WENDY: Loves children, puppies, & people.
NOT cripple.

WENDY DAVIS – Born in a manger, wrapped in swaddling clothes with cute pink tennies… surrounded by bipartisan wise men, Wendy Davis loves puppies and children.

Wendy Davis has devoted most of her life to doing good for humanity, and the parts she didn’t, she can explain. And Wendy isn’t a cripple. She has fashionable running shoes, AND can use them.

And her smile makes flowers bloom.
.
.
.

STAND WITH WENDY

If not, you hate women.*
*Paid for by Wendy for Holy & Not at All Cynical & Nasty Governor Fund

I'm Rob Jones... and I approve this message.
I’m Rob Jones… and I approve this message.

2014: The Day the Earth Stopped

It started like any other summer day.

Dad was in the kitchen on his cellphone trying to get a cup of coffee down and a business deal tied up. He signaled mom to turn the TV down so he could hear, but as soon as she did, she turned the other one up. He gave her a nasty look, looked like he might say something more to her, then put his finger over one ear and plugged on talking to the phone.

Mom was watching a repeat of some show with Guy Fiere visiting yet another diner that made the “Best Ribs in {insert city here}”.  She also had it on in the kitchen, where she was cooking something that smelled delicious, but historically probably wasn’t. To be fair it might have been better if Dad had skipped the middleman and married Guy Fiere. We’d eat better. 

Suz was holed up in her room, well into what would likely be a marathon texting session with a boy she claimed was “just a friend”. Everyone knew otherwise of course, the ringtone she used for him told an entirely different story.

I was playing a first person shooter game, determined to obliterate that prick in Florida who took me out last week. Who was this SOB, and why did he never seem to die?

Michael, aka the little nerd, was in a webmaster forum answering questions on search engine optimization. Wonder how many of the guys on the other end know SearchPro42 is twelve years old? Probably wouldn’t matter, for all we know, they are too.

He says apparently India has exactly two kinds of people; spammy Search Optimizers, and people that hire spammy Search Optimizers. Hell if I know. I don’t speak geek. They should have some kind of test for this. I can’t possibly be related to this munchkin.

Then IT happened.

Don’t get me wrong, we’d had internet outages before. The day that idiot drunk down the street plowed into the phone pole, we’d lost internet AND TV for almost an hour. And we’d had cell-phone outages before. To be honest our reception wasn’t that good to begin with. Something about the tower location and the geography on our street. Danged sure didn’t match their 4G map.

But never had we had phones AND television AND the net go out at the same time.

The house was suddenly eerily quiet. Not a sound. Totally silent. Suz came out of her room with phone in hand, looking distressed. Dad was holding his to the ceiling to see if the reception magically worked 2 ft higher than he’d been holding it. Michael walked out of his bedroom and looked at the rest of us accusingly, as if one of us broke the internet.

Mom, suddenly the level headed one, decided to call the cable company and check on the time they’d need to fix the TV. It wasn’t until then it occurred to her we haven’t had a land-line in 6 years and the cell reception went out at the same time.

I’m not going to say we panicked, cause comparatively we did pretty good. It’s my understanding half the people on my block with a land-line were calling the cable company, a quarter were calling the cell provider, and the remainder actually dialed 911.

This WAS an emergency. Nobody really knew what to do. We were trapped.

Then the strangest thing occurred.

One-by-one, slowly at first, then in increasing numbers… rusty door hinges up and down the block began to swing open. Teens who had not been without electronic communication since their 1st birthday stepped out, tentatively at first, then began pouring out of houses. Some dazed, a bit confused. Others looking about in wonder.

We couldn’t help but notice there was a glowing orange ball in the sky.

And that the air conditioning in our yard sucked.

sun

I'm Rob Jones... and I approve this message.
I’m Rob Jones… and I approve this message.

It’s About the Choices, Not the Hardware

There’s an old story (possibly apocryphal, but it works) about a guy running a camp for boys, being interviewed on the radio by a “progressive” young lady. She decided to ambush him on air.

Radio-microphone“Sir, I noticed you had the boys shooting assault rifles!”

“Actually those were single-shot .22s, but yes, we teach the boys gun safety and marksmanship… both good life-skills.”

“Life skills? You’re giving them all the equipment needed to become successful TERRORISTS! They’re just BOYS”

“Well ma’am… I see you have all the equipment needed to become a successful prostitute, but I’m gonna assume you’re just a reporter.”

—- [ DEAD AIR ] —-

It’s not about the hardware… it’s about the choices we make.

I'm Rob Jones... and I approve this message.
I’m Rob Jones… and I approve this message.