Hey Kids! Time to Play ObamaSpeech Bingo!

OBAMASPEECH BINGO – The ISIS Version

TEAM A SCORES WHEN OBAMA:
1) Starts speech 15 or more minutes after announced time
2) Says “Let me be clear about this”
3) Blames “previous administration” for anything
4) Attempts to sound like MLK and breaks into southern belle accent
5) Says “Islam is a religion of peace”
6) Takes credit for something he had little/nothing to do with
7) Calls ISIS “ISIL” to avoid pointing out he screwed up in Syria
8) Raises voice while pointing toward right field foul line
9) Says “boots on the ground”
10) References woman in audience fainting, throws out water bottle
11) Says the phrase “right side of history”
12) Gets off teleprompter and surrenders to France

 

TEAM B SCORES WHEN OBAMA:
1) Says “because it’s the right thing to do”
2) Blames GOP, tea party or Do-nothing congress.
3) Raises hand to ear in “I can’t hear you” mode
4) Any permutation of the phrase “crossing the line”.
5) Mentions powers he has which are not enumerated in Constitution
6) Mentions the death of Osama bin Laden
7) Pretends he crushed Al Qaida
8) Says “as Commander-in-Chief”
9) Actually catches fainting woman
10) Emphasizes point with left-hand hatchet chop
11) Gets off teleprompter and comes out of closet

jackassAdvanced Players & Alcoholics:
• Teams alternate taking Tequila shots every time he uses the pronoun “I” or “me”. When you lose consciousness you are out.
• If he uses them more than 5 or more times in 1 sentence, both teams must stand on one leg til he does so again. If you fall down you’re out.

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BONUS: If he admits that a country the US had in its possession when he took the reins is being conquered by a guy the US had in captivity when he took the reins… both teams win.

 

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Greg Abbott: Hates Children, Puppies… Loves Rapists

ABBOTT: Loves rapists, fatcats. Hates children. Can't stand.
ABBOTT: Loves rapists, fatcats. Hates children. Can’t stand.

GREG ABBOTT – As Texas Attorney General

  • * He dropped charges against rapists statewide.
  • * He tried to make wife-beating legal.
  • * Twice sued to have children’s piggy banks confiscated & distributed to his fatcat friends.

Plus… Greg Abbott hates puppies. Yes. He really does.

BUT YOU HAVE A CHOICE!

WENDY: Loves children, puppies, & people.  NOT cripple.
WENDY: Loves children, puppies, & people.
NOT cripple.

WENDY DAVIS – Born in a manger, wrapped in swaddling clothes with cute pink tennies… surrounded by bipartisan wise men, Wendy Davis loves puppies and children.

Wendy Davis has devoted most of her life to doing good for humanity, and the parts she didn’t, she can explain. And Wendy isn’t a cripple. She has fashionable running shoes, AND can use them.

And her smile makes flowers bloom.
.
.
.

STAND WITH WENDY

If not, you hate women.*
*Paid for by Wendy for Holy & Not at All Cynical & Nasty Governor Fund

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2014: The Day the Earth Stopped

It started like any other summer day.

Dad was in the kitchen on his cellphone trying to get a cup of coffee down and a business deal tied up. He signaled mom to turn the TV down so he could hear, but as soon as she did, she turned the other one up. He gave her a nasty look, looked like he might say something more to her, then put his finger over one ear and plugged on talking to the phone.

Mom was watching a repeat of some show with Guy Fiere visiting yet another diner that made the “Best Ribs in {insert city here}”.  She also had it on in the kitchen, where she was cooking something that smelled delicious, but historically probably wasn’t. To be fair it might have been better if Dad had skipped the middleman and married Guy Fiere. We’d eat better. 

Suz was holed up in her room, well into what would likely be a marathon texting session with a boy she claimed was “just a friend”. Everyone knew otherwise of course, the ringtone she used for him told an entirely different story.

I was playing a first person shooter game, determined to obliterate that prick in Florida who took me out last week. Who was this SOB, and why did he never seem to die?

Michael, aka the little nerd, was in a webmaster forum answering questions on search engine optimization. Wonder how many of the guys on the other end know SearchPro42 is twelve years old? Probably wouldn’t matter, for all we know, they are too.

He says apparently India has exactly two kinds of people; spammy Search Optimizers, and people that hire spammy Search Optimizers. Hell if I know. I don’t speak geek. They should have some kind of test for this. I can’t possibly be related to this munchkin.

Then IT happened.

Don’t get me wrong, we’d had internet outages before. The day that idiot drunk down the street plowed into the phone pole, we’d lost internet AND TV for almost an hour. And we’d had cell-phone outages before. To be honest our reception wasn’t that good to begin with. Something about the tower location and the geography on our street. Danged sure didn’t match their 4G map.

But never had we had phones AND television AND the net go out at the same time.

The house was suddenly eerily quiet. Not a sound. Totally silent. Suz came out of her room with phone in hand, looking distressed. Dad was holding his to the ceiling to see if the reception magically worked 2 ft higher than he’d been holding it. Michael walked out of his bedroom and looked at the rest of us accusingly, as if one of us broke the internet.

Mom, suddenly the level headed one, decided to call the cable company and check on the time they’d need to fix the TV. It wasn’t until then it occurred to her we haven’t had a land-line in 6 years and the cell reception went out at the same time.

I’m not going to say we panicked, cause comparatively we did pretty good. It’s my understanding half the people on my block with a land-line were calling the cable company, a quarter were calling the cell provider, and the remainder actually dialed 911.

This WAS an emergency. Nobody really knew what to do. We were trapped.

Then the strangest thing occurred.

One-by-one, slowly at first, then in increasing numbers… rusty door hinges up and down the block began to swing open. Teens who had not been without electronic communication since their 1st birthday stepped out, tentatively at first, then began pouring out of houses. Some dazed, a bit confused. Others looking about in wonder.

We couldn’t help but notice there was a glowing orange ball in the sky.

And that the air conditioning in our yard sucked.

sun

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It’s About the Choices, Not the Hardware

There’s an old story (possibly apocryphal, but it works) about a guy running a camp for boys, being interviewed on the radio by a “progressive” young lady. She decided to ambush him on air.

Radio-microphone“Sir, I noticed you had the boys shooting assault rifles!”

“Actually those were single-shot .22s, but yes, we teach the boys gun safety and marksmanship… both good life-skills.”

“Life skills? You’re giving them all the equipment needed to become successful TERRORISTS! They’re just BOYS”

“Well ma’am… I see you have all the equipment needed to become a successful prostitute, but I’m gonna assume you’re just a reporter.”

—- [ DEAD AIR ] —-

It’s not about the hardware… it’s about the choices we make.

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BREAKING: Holder Denies Bias Against Officer

AG Eric Holder - Champion of Justice
AG Eric Holder – Champion of Justice

Aug 21, 2014 Ferguson MO

HOLDER DENIES BIAS
In response to hints that in the officer-involved shooting case he might be biased against the police officer, Atty General Eric Holder pointed out he is sworn to uphold the law of the land.

“Our system includes a presumption of innocence… And that protection covers everyone, even this racist sunuvabitch.”

Holder added… “In keeping with that ideal, we intend to make sure the officer receives a fair and unbiased trial… Followed by a first class hanging.”

IN RELATED NEWS
Some have suggested St Louis County prosecutor Bob McCulloch recuse himself due to his close ties to police.

No word if a similar demand will be made to Holder in light of his close ties to criminals.

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I’m Rob Jones… and I approve this message.

IN THE NEWS….

-1- Jesse Ventura defeats decorated sniper’s widow in court and declares “My reputation is restored now”. However in hindsight he finds it may have been optimistic to expect headline: “Ventura Proves Manliness by Beating Up Girl”.

-2- Federal court rules DOJ must disclose “Fast & Furious” docs previously hidden via executive privilege. Insiders expect ruling may have caused as many as 14 hard drive crashes.

monty python news

-3- Multiple US citizens stricken with the Ebola are being flown from Liberia to the US for treatment. This replaces our former policy of only allowing deadly infectious diseases to freely enter the country via the south Texas border.

-4- President Obama resorts to disparaging speeches and tweets to contend he’s “doing the right thing” by ignoring Congress as well as 2 centuries of established law and the US Constitution. So y’all jus quit hatin all the time.

-5- A book on lives of politicians thru eyes of those on Secret Service details revealed VP Biden loves to swim in the nude. Initial reactions to that mental image suggest this could do more to combat obesity than low-cal bacon.

The sad part is I am not making this stuff up.

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How to tell the difference between Nancy Pelosi and a blow-up doll

The Difference is fairly obvious…

One is a life-sized representation of a female with a head full of air and a stiffly stretched plastic face on which is painted an expression of surprise that looks almost human, but no capacity for thought or reason.

pelosi vs blowup doll

The other is just a blowup doll.

I'm Rob Jones... and I approve this message.
I’m Rob Jones… and I approve this message.

My Favorite Things (Texas Redneck Version)

FAVORITE THINGS (Texas Redneck Version)

Ford F150s and bright red Camaros
Billy Cook saddles and Stetson sombreros
Cheap brands of bourbon and boxes of wine
All of these things do appeal to my mind

Large breasted women and freebie lap dances
Internet porn and illicit romances
Girls who let dad-issues cloud their young mind
These are the things that appeal to my kind.

When my dog bites
When the cops sting
When I’m feeling broke
I simply remember these things that I like
And then I can take… the joke.

Bright copper cases that hold .45 slugs
Sleek semi-autos in holsters my hip hugs
Fiber night optics that see in the dark
All of these things hit it out of my park

Speckled young dogs that come back when I whistle
Troll motors that cut thru brush like a missile
Fishing lures that catch two fish at a time
These are all things I consider sublime

When the kids fight
When the truck stalls
When I feel like heck
I simply just think of these things that I like
And then I’m not such… a wreck.

————— * —————-

.

Breaking News:

Just got a Cease and Desist Order from Rogers and Hammerstein.

Also an odd obscene phone call I’m pretty sure was from Julie Andrews.

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White Flags atop the Brooklyn Bridge?

Today news outlets are all atwitter with folks offering solemn soundbites about the bleached American flags that mysteriously appeared atop the Brooklyn Bridge.

  • … a major security breach!
  • … a startling warning!
  • … a vile prank!

brooklysurrenders

My personal favorite:
Whoever scaled the 200+ ft structure “had to have some expertise”.

Cool. So at least we’ve eliminated Lois Lerner’s IT staff.

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I’m Rob Jones… and I approve this message.