The Difference Between Liberals and Conservatives

RE: Forwarded Emails
OK, I’m constitutionally disposed against personally forwarding funny and/or thought provoking emails myself because I’m firmly aware that my sense of humor isn’t universally shared by my friends.

That said, if you read my blog… aside from already having questionable tastes, you’re also subject to being stuck seeing what I really think.

The following showed up in my inbox today, compliments of the lovely & talented Mr Watson. My contribution aside from posting it here is limited to formatting. Fwiw, here’s the difference between a Liberal and a Conservative laid out pretty clearly:

The Difference Between Liberals and Conservatives

  • If a conservative doesn’t like guns, he doesn’t buy one.
    If a liberal doesn’t like guns, he wants all guns outlawed.
  • .

  • If a conservative is a vegetarian, he doesn’t eat meat.
    If a liberal is a vegetarian, he wants all meat products banned for everyone.
  • .

  • If a conservative sees a foreign threat, he thinks about how to defeat his enemy.
    If a liberal sees a foreign threat, he wonders how to surrender gracefully and still look good.
  • .

  • If a conservative is homosexual, he quietly leads his life.
    If a liberal is homosexual, he demands legislated respect.
  • .

  • If a person of color is conservative, they see themselves as independently successful.
    Their liberal counterparts see themselves as victims in need of government protection.
  • .

  • If a conservative is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better his situation.
    A liberal wonders who is going to take care of him.
  • .

  • If a conservative doesn’t like a talk show host, he switches channels.
    Liberals demand that those they don’t like be shut down.
  • .

  • If a conservative is a non-believer, he doesn’t go to church.
    A liberal non-believer says he’s offended and wants any mention of God and religion silenced.
  • .

  • If a conservative slips and falls in a store, he gets up, laughs and is embarrassed.
    If a liberal slips and falls, he grabs his neck, moans like he’s in labor and then sues.
  • .

  • If a conservative reads this, he’ll forward it so his friends can have a good laugh.
    A liberal will delete it because he’s “offended”.
  • .
    If anyone on the same email list as myself is paying close attention, they might notice I removed the part about healthcare. That wasn’t an accident because I think our existing system is a clusterfuck of fraud, graft, and ridiculous lawsuits that drive costs thru the roof… but that’s a whole nuther post.

    I applaud those sincerely interested in fixing it, a group which unfortunately doesn’t include most in Congress. Expect them to talk a lot and do nothing to fix it, and you’re pretty safe.

    Meantime, the list above is IMO… pretty accurate
    I don’t worry a helluvalot about offending any friends of a liberal bent, because if they’re my friend, it’s a safe bet they already have a pretty tough skin and can accept a difference of opinion.

    If any of my friends on the other side of the spectrum are certain it doesn’t portray their views, then it’s entirely possible they aren’t who I’m talking about. It does however match what I’ve seen from many others, so… if the shoe fits…. :)

    I'm Rob Jones... and I approve this message.
    I'm Rob Jones... and I approve this message.

    Seriously, a Burning Bush Woulda Sufficed

    The man had finally had it. Repeated adversities had befallen him while all around him prospered…he had to know why. He looked to the heavens and spoke from the pain and torment in his soul.

    “I am a good father, a loving husband, I give generously to those in need… why do these things keep happening to me?!”

    A moment of silence, then the skies opened and a voice from the heavens said…

    “I dunno… something about you just pisses me off.”

    In defense of all things heavenly, the description of the good-deed-doer above isn’t me, no doubt any tragedy coming my way is earned. Nonetheless, it appeared this month as though someone wanted my attention. That’s ok, I like to think of myself as open to suggestion. Then again I like to think of myself as “tall” and that isn’t really true either.

    Subtle Hint #1 – The Canoe trip:

    We had a few storms on arrival at the Big Piney (note: that’s understated). I’d been on this body of water at flood stage before, have canoed this water for 2 decades, and it can be fun. It can also be dangerous, as indicated by the fact that the only time I’d been on it this high we’d ended our day shortly after coming across an accident that included a fatality. [That’ll suck the fun right outta the day.]

    long pool 2008 (2)

    The photo above looks like pretty wimpy whitewater, but when you consider it’s a picture of something called “Long Pool” it gives you an idea of conditions. We tried the short run (aka: the “easy” run) and by “we” I mean me and the only other guy dumb enough to get on the water with me (Hi Robert, you made my blog!). There was originally a 2 boat armada for safety, but the guy with boat #2 bailed just before we hit the water. I didn’t discover this until we were ON the water. So much for a backup.

    They say “nature abhors a vacuum”, but for the record, I’ve noticed she’s none too fond of whitewater canoeists either. We made it a few miles, lost it, my PFD tried to strangle me while standing waves tried to drown me, got thrown against a bluff at about 35 mph, slammed in the back by the canoe that was thrown right after I was, sucked down by a vortex while the current tried to pin me to the concave wall, made it to the surface (barely and only for split moments), and had made it around the bluff and was struggling on the boundary between the current and a lifesaving eddy when I was assisted to shore by a kayaker… he and his buddy were about the only other boats on the water, but were there at the right time and in the appropriate craft.

    Initially his assistance came in the form of telling me to swim to shore. Normally I’d have asked if I really looked like I was trying to decide whether to do that or to go try and gargle a few more rounds of standing waves, but I was far too busy trying to stay alive to think of saying anything cute, and the fact that I was on this water in an open boat gave him every reason to suspect I might just be that stupid. He did let me drag on the back of his kayak when he realized just how spent I was… a bold move on his part… I could have dropped him into the water beside me with the wrong move.

    He may have been an angel in my eyes, but the all-seeing Terry Moore who runs Moore’s Outdoors assured me he’s known locally as Hippie Bob or somesuch. I’ll ask next year… I was a little too outta things this time (I’m blaming a headfirst shot into a rock wall). Etiquette usually dictates I at least know the name of those who help me to safety while I gurgle pleas for mercy. My canoe partner turned up (alive thankfully) about 2 more miles downstream. The boat, it could be anywhere now, but it was not high on my list to worry about it at that particular moment. I walked through about a mile of cows on Bates Farm and hitched a ride to go find help.

    When they make the movie I’m gonna rewrite this entire scene. For starters, in my version I’ll heroically drag Robert to safety by holding the edge of his lifejacket in my teeth while I swim instead of momentarily pondering the feasibility of hitting him on the head with a paddle and using his inert body as a flotation device. Might also wanna change those seriously unmacho moments where I made promises about stuff I’d do if I lived (and I really hope these weren’t taken seriously). Meanwhile I hear the locals renamed Bates Bluff in honor of my exploits, so if you ever go thru Arkansas you might wanna stop and visit Dumbass Texan Ridge.

    Subtle Hint #2 – The Mare Does a Backflip
    Still sore but glad to be alive… after a few days of recuperation at home I hit the trails on horseback with Doug Packer (one of the canoe trippers) and his daughter. No problem, been riding these trails for years. Safe at last. I told my sore bod all the same reassuring things the Skipper probably said to Mrs. Howell as he loaded the last trunk with her summer minks aboard before setting off for a simple 3 hour tour.

    My mount was a mare I’d ridden some but is still new to these trails. She’s got a nice racing pedigree (read that: she’s inbred, nervous by nature, and capable of moving at ridiculously high speeds). Notwithstanding an early departure from the ride by my wife when her horse decided the boats on the lake were out to get him, the ride started pretty well, though my ride insisted she preferred not to go down the trail at one point where the creek IS the trail. She isn’t real big on creeks, possibly having heard about my recent display of skill on a creek known as the Big Piney. She’d tried this same routine recently with my son aboard, and he wisely got off.

    It seemed the thing to do was to get her to do the thing she feared. [OK, it *seemed* the thing anyway.] She went into the creek after serious coercion, then spooked bigtime and immediately opted to climb a vertical wall on the opposite side of the creekbed with me aboard. Wouldn’t really have minded this but for the fact that the top of the ledge was blocked by trees, so when she stopped forward motion gravity refused to be further denied… she fell backwards on top of me.

    As she prefers to do a job well if she’s gonna do it at all, she then rolled over me twice, then (I swear this is true) removed castanets from somewhere and danced a sterling flaminco number on my torso.

    Both instances above were a tad closer to fatal than preferred, but nothing happened in either but a few sore muscles and bruises (ok, and a lost canoe). “Miraculous” could be used in both cases, cause I was starting to be pretty worried the water was gonna win in the first case, and all that came to mind while going doing a backflip with a horse on top was “Isn’t this how McMurtry killed off Newt in the Lonesome Dove trilogy?” [Yes, it was.]

    The thing on the water was the result of dumb decisions. The bit with the horse was, well, part of riding, it happens. Still, my attention has been gotten, and hopefully I have responded correctly.

    Anyway, for future reference on the topic of getting my attention… a shiny object is pretty much all it takes. No need for crashing waters and aerobatic horses. Moses went for the burning bush, and in my opinion there’s a lot to be said for that route. Roasting a shrub without consuming it is always cool, and doesn’t require near as many icepacks afterward.

    Oh well, for what it’s worth, I think the point I may have been missing is summed up in a line I’ve said several times lately, to wit… “Dang, I’m gettin’ too old for this stuff!” With that in mind, I’m trying out a new sport. [See action shot below.]

    Author engages in new recreational activity
    Oh Yeah… I’m Rob Jones, and I approve this message.

    “Happy Easter, buckethead!” [Living the DigitalPoint Experience]

    easter-bunny-in-grass.jpegOK, possibly not the most complimentary note I’ve had today, but no doubt the most objectively correct.

    I wandered into DigitalPoint’s ODP forum today for the purpose of wishing a few there a happy holiday. First thing I noticed… they’d already been engaged in their daily deathmatch since the early AM. Apparently there are no holidays in the great war to do whatever it is they wanna do by spending every day furiously countering the latest threat to their closely guarded belief that Dmoz either is or isn’t the fleshly incarnation of Lucifer.

    Huh? Don’t you guys get days off?

    Easter is a significant holiday, which judging from TV has something to do with celebrating the death and resurrection of the easter bunny… possibly loosely based on an ancient Judaic “eating of the Holy peeps” ritual. Then there’s something about colored eggs… I dunno, it’s all sorta confusing. Anyway, it IS a recognized holiday, which oughta be a good excuse for not spending it duking it out with some moronic trolls whose opinions mean nothing in the grand scheme.


    I’ve had the addiction to argue ad infinitum in there myself, or at least I did. I’m not an editor at Dmoz now, so doing it would be (IMO) a classic case of Obsessive Compulsive behavior at this point (lol, like it wasn’t before?). The again, several people in there are ex-eds that have more time spent there talking about ODP than they ever spent actually editing AT ODP, and they still post as if there lives depended on it. [Yes, it IS sad… but if you’ll send just $1 a day to my PayPal account we can help these poor unfortunates. So show that you care, and give today, while they still have a chance.]

    Hard NOT to post there when you see the utter crap that passes for wisdom in that room, but it’s a classic case of wrestling  with a pig, ya just get muddy while the pig has a grand old time.

    Granted, at least one of them is an occult guy… he’s probably bound by cultural norm to avoid celebrating holidays including anything as significant as colored eggs that get misplaced and make the entire house smell like rotten sulfur, so he gets a pass. Aside from that, I’m pretty sure the voices talk to him every time the foil slips a bit, so it isn’t like he’s missing out on companionship.

    The rest however gotta fess up to their problem and enter the next 12-step course they can find.

    ME: “Hi, I’m Rob, and I haven’t posted at DP for 7 days.”

    GROUP IN UNISON: “Hi Rob!”

    Seriously boys, it’s just a directory. You gotta get out in the sunshine a little, your brains are gonna rot. Why waste your time in that forum?

    The guys who are supposed to be moderating it certainly don’t.



    I’m Rob Jones, and I approve this message.


    God Fines Charter Cable for Defying Laws of Time and Space

    GodAP Wire – March 10, 2008
    Today a spokesman for God disclosed that He has abandoned his longstanding laissez faire position on telecom companies and fined Charter Cable $3 billion for defying the laws of time and space, and failing to report previous incidents in which they violated rules of Physics and/or Nature.

    Representatives for Charter Inc. said they are appealing, although when informed The Almighty in uncharacteristic humor said “To be honest, no they aren’t”.

    Sources close to God say this may be the first of many such fines, and warned that other companies known to break universal laws are hereby on notice.



    OK, honestly I didn’t mean to cause such a ruckus. To be truthful I’d about decided God didn’t hear my prayers ever since Angelina Jolie married someone else. [Seriously, Brad Pitt? Strip away the fame, talent, charm, chiseled abs, money, smile, cool hair… ummmm… never mind.]

    Still I dutifully say my prayers, and whaddaya know… God is finally getting around to my SOBs God Oughta Smite list, starting at the top. Cool. You can have the 72 virgins waiting in heaven my friend, just gimme a good old fashioned God that’ll smite first and ask questions later.

    Granted, I haven’t always wanted to see Charter get hit with boils and sores (ok, my first preference… I’m old school, but the $3bil fine was not a bad touch). Their cable internet is great compared to AT&Ts “Tin Cans Connected by Kite String” wireless program. Honestly, I was gonna compliment AT&T marketing on the kitschy name until I discovered my aircard box really did contain 2 empty Campbell Chicken Noodle cans and 17000 ft of kite string.


    At AT&T Wireless


    [They are now a standard feature]

    I did call to say this was not what I expected when I saw the word “wireless”, but the guy on the phone had a point about string and wire not really being the same thing. For the record, you have no idea how much RAM it takes to get a good signal using string as a medium.

    Frankly I would have skipped AT&T wireless in the first place had Charter been able to find my house when I moved here, but I was informed they didn’t service this location.


    If I lived in rural Arkansas this mighta made sense. I live in the center of the Dallas – Fort Worth metro area. You can’t swing a wireless modem on kite string without hitting a CEO of a multinational company. I’m 10 minutes from one of the busiest international airports in the world. Even more important, I drive past a freakin Charter Cable riser on my street. I just happen to be ONE house from the end.

    [Teachers note: That last sentence *will* be on the test.]

    So despite also having another Charter cable riser maybe 500 ft away… somehow Charter decided “OK, we stop here”, and apparently had no intention of ever supplying service to the last 4 or 5 houses. I called them several times, met with the city. They service the newer houses in the entry, but nothing could convince them to provide same to the existing houses at the end.

    Well, nothing but new construction. I sold an acre to a nice couple and they built a big new house next door. As construction was finishing, they announced they were getting cable Monday. Huh? [For a second I thought my prayers had been answered, except maybe the Brad Pitt funeral thing.]

    Striking While the Iron is Hot (and other myths)

    I don’t know how they rediscovered it, but I wasn’t taking chances they’d lose my street again. Signed up online, called to set up an install. Worked skillfully thru the voicemail, got to a human. THAT is when I discovered they hadn’t really found our street… just the one house at the end. Argh.

    Fortunately the young lady (who’s kind smile could be clearly heard despite the fact she was working a mind-numbing job that’d test the patience of Job, who probably works there too) told me there was an available fix. Obviously the new house had been scouted out and mapped by Lewis and Clark Inc, the vendors that discover new houses for Charter… so she’d just call the SomethingOrOther Dept and have them activate a search to see if the cable came by my house.

    Now I was about to object as nicely as possible (hey she’s been nice) when I realized there was not a nice way to say this was an inane policy and the silly wonder-scouts could easily be replaced by a cable route map overlay and a link to Google.

    While I pondered how to word this, wondering all the while which overpaid “VP of Dumb Things” came up with this gem… I listened to sold-on-hold, featuring an enthusiastic voiceover pro extolling the virtues of Charter.


    When someone’s on hold, waiting patiently as somebody enforces Rule 782 from “Policies That Make Us Look Stupid”, they don’t wanna hear how wonderful Charter is. Obviously another brainchild from the guy that keeps his brother-in-laws Lewis and Clark gainfully employed despite available technology to do the job cheaper and instantaneously without dispatching a pickup truck that sleeps two.

    As these thoughts silently accumulated, the phone went dead. Oops.

    OK, starting over from scratch.

    Welcome to Charter Customer Service !

    · Dial 1 to be hung up on in English…

    · Dial 2 if in Spanish…

    · To be subjected to endless commercials, please hold.

    Flustered this time. Got lost twice in voicemail hell, but finally got hold of another guy. Nice as could be. He was genuinely happy to hear from somebody that’d just been left on hold for 10 minutes (or an eternity, you do lose track) before being wordlessly disconnected. It might have been an answer to HIS prayers he was so cheerful .

    Folks, that job may suck, but apparently Charter hires pretty nice guys for it, or else provides some pretty illegal hallucinogens in *huge* grab-all-ya-want bowls.

    In the end he too called the Lewis & Clark Employment Dept, (queue more music, more commercials)… and got back just before I decided whether to put the gun in my mouth or to my temple. He promised to have Lewis and Clark out next week to verify my address exists and ascertain if there is cable nearby.

    With all the kindness I could muster I asked him to open Google maps. Amazingly, he did. I pointed out that I am in the 2nd house from the end of the road, and they have an appointment Monday to install cable at the house on the very end, adjacent to me, and immediately south. The cable is coming from the north.

    My question:

    Did he really have to send techs physically to my house to verify Charter is not in violation of physical laws that require a solid cable to pass point B if on a line between Source A and Destination C? Had they been having a problem with that recently?

    Answer: I know it sounds odd, sir, but that is Charter Cable policy.

    Alllll-righty then. Get ‘em God. OK to spare the worker bees, their job’s already Hell, but nail the bosses. Amen.

    Oh, by the way Lord… about AT&T….


    I’m Rob Jones, and I approve this message.