All the News, Like Me, Fair and Imbalanced

Given the technology and money available I can’t hope to compete with mainstream news when it comes to getting scoops. Being industrious (well sorta) I’ve devised a clever plan… I’ll just *predict* it. If history holds true chances are I’ll be about as close as they are to the truth. Anyway, I’ll give it a shot.

Come back in January and we’ll see how I did.

Dateline: Jan 26 2009

White House
In national news, Barack Obama was sworn in as President of the United States. Analysts are uncertain what this might mean to the Clinton campaign… but their spokesmen acknowledged that while this might be viewed by some as a setback… “Hillary will not give up until the people have spoken”.

President Obama

Capitol Hill
After the dismal turnout in which the outcome of the election was decided by less people than get stuck in elevators on a given day… Congress voted to scrap the current electoral system and move to the proven selection method used on American Idol.

The Supreme Court is thus far mute on the constitutionality of having half the vote vested in a panel composed of an angry Brit, a drunken bimbo, and some guy who calls everyone “dog”.

Celebrity News

Today Lindsey Lohan and Brittany Spears were wed in an apparent effort to revive mutually flagging careers. The public ceremony was attended solely by paparazzi and selected members of child services. In lieu of a catchy “TomCat” or “Bennifer” type tag, it appears the national media plans to just continue calling them by their current name… “Sluts”.

How are they Now?

How is time treating the guys you paid to see at the box office?

Tom Cruz – Still weird.

Russell Crow – Still an asshole.

John Wayne – Still dead.
More as these stories develop.
Last month’s patch to Windows trouble prone Vista operating system seems to have finally done the trick. Users across the world report the system now performs flawlessly.

In related news, Microsoft announced the rollout of “Windows Tomorrow”, an untested new operating system which will immediately come preloaded on all computers produced anywhere. Existing Vista users can expect full and complete support of the current software until at least Wednesday.

Economic News
Plagued by rising fuel costs and decreasing revenues as the economy continues its headlong plummet into hell, American Airlines announced that effective immediately it is laying off all employees in an effort to keep the ailing air giant aloft.

In a stirring appeal to unity and company loyalty, the Chairman asked employees to remain on as volunteers “since tough economic times require teamwork, spirit, and sacrifice”. Afterward the board voted unanimously to award themselves large bonuses and adjourned for lunch.

International News – Afghanistan

In a video aired today on Al Queda Television, Osama Bin Laden repeated his standard plan to bury America, annihilate all infidels, take over the world, and spread the peace of Allah across the globe. Then in an added twist he indicated it is the duty of the faithful to phone in enough votes to decide the upcoming finale of Dancing with the Stars.

The last part initially puzzled analysts who immediately suspected an encoded message, but informed sources later indicated Osama’s just been upset ever since when Wayne Newton failed to make the finals.

International News – Iraq
In a surprise move the war in Iraq was entirely resolved this week when the Iraqi Parliament voted to post signs across Iraq declaring it to be a “Gun Free Zone”.

Police then rounded up hordes of frustrated but disarmed terrorists who, powerless to overcome the signs, peacefully complied, though later they vowed to carry on the fight by posting unflattering parodies of their opponents on the internet.


OK… Granted I made it up, but that never stopped Dan Rather, so I figure I’m just following time honored tradition. Anyway, if you don’t like it, get out there and do something to make it happen otherwise. At least with my news stories you get some notice.

That’s all the news… just as I imagine it to be.

Have a pleasant evening, and goodnight.

I\'m Rob Jones... and I approve this message.

I’m Rob Jones, and I approve this message.

Elliot Spitzer: {insert punch line here} BUT… Is this REALLY news?

[AUTHORS NOTE: If you didn’t know it already I’ll say it. Deep down, I’m shallow. ]


…and YOU sir, are no Bill Clinton!

NEWS FLASH: Politician Screws Someone Besides His Constituents!

Today after it became evident to millions that’d never heard of him that Elliot Spitzer is a regular client of the world’ oldest profession, he resigned as governor of New York, saying: “I cannot allow my private failings to disrupt the people’s work.”

As every news outlet in the nation covered this momentous event, my first thought… YO! ELLIOT! Have you lost your flippin’ brain? DENY DENY DENY! Did you sleep thru the entire Clinton administration?

Let’s look at your problems through Bill’s eyes Elliot:

Ø So they have witnesses. Obviously political hacks from the other side using dirty tricks.

Ø So they have documentation. Damn right wing conspiracy.

Ø Hey, maybe they have pictures. Hello… ? Photoshop.

Ø You wrote $80k in checks with “for whores” in the memo line. Hey… I have an entertainment budget. What’s your point?

Then he’d shake his finger at us and in the voice dad used when you “forgot” to mow the yard he’d look us in the eye and say “I did not have sex with that woman Ms. {insert name of the day}.

I might not agree with a single political thought Bill had, but having watched his wife on TV, hey, I can’t get real worked up over his recreational choices. Granted, you had to wonder about the judgment of a guy that sees a curvaceous intern flash a thong at the leader of the free world and HIS first impression is… “Here’s someone I could trust to be discrete”. And yet he survived.

The man took denial from a mere act to performance art. He could get caught literally in the act and he’d have come up with some way of making the accusers look worse than he did. Ken Starr had him dead to rights. He had a blue dress with… umm… DNA on it. Now Bill makes millions on the lecture circuit and “Ken Starr” is an answer nobody gets right on crossword puzzles. So much for anyone REALLY caring about virtue. People make a lotta noise, but that doesn’t seem to dictate their later actions.

But I guess its best you DO step down, Elliot. Obviously you aren’t ready for the big time. Slick Willie faced several scandals like this before breakfast every morning. Yet like him or not, he held the office four more years than his predecessor, and that guy had credentials out the wazoo and never so much as crossed a street against a “Don’t Walk” sign.

Oh well… take heart, junior. The next shiny object will come along and nobody (OK, maybe your wife) will remember this in a few weeks. Just don’t throw any parties for a while; for now you’re kryptonite as far as your friends are concerned. It’ll blow over.

Even as we speak the press is busy discussing the revelation that Maryanne from Gilligan’s Island may use marijuana (who cares?) and whether Southwest Airlines failure to check for cracks on planes will permanently damage their reputation (it won’t).

BUT: The Real Problem with this “News” Story

Hey news people… here’s a real news flash for you. We have a war or two in progress… lives on the line. There are mass murders taking place in various countries. We have an education system that cranks out drooling idiots that cAn’T sPeEL and couldn’t locate major world powers on a map even if marked. [Last one isn’t a shock given the tripe that passes for NEWS here.]

So given all the stuff you could be reporting on, why in the hell is every freaking station showing me pictures of a middle aged guy that got laid for money and/or a TV star who hasn’t been in front of a camera in 4 decades but might share an affinity for the same foliage most of your industry obviously uses daily or we’d be watching REAL news?

Wow… the things we find newsworthy.



I’m Rob Jones, and I approve this message.