If Obama Ran the Olympics

Romney’s Weak Olympic Brag
Much has been made about Romney coming in and turning things around when the Salt Lake Olympics were getting ready to flounder. Personally I find such boasts to be silly. He didn’t really do that.

I mean, sure, he DID that, but he can hardly take credit for it when you think about it. Face it, he got there on roads built by other people, was the beneficiary of food he didn’t have to cook, slept in beds he didn’t make himself, etc. Frankly I think he’s a freakin braggart to take credit at all. If I’m a betting man he made his dog ride all the way there on his roof, maybe his wife too.

But let’s imagine someone else in his role
How might things have been different had it been Obama who got tapped to handle the Olympics? Let’s take a look at the events of the Obama presidency and apply them to the Olympics. Here’s how it might look:

Executive Order – Effective Immediately

To: Olympic Committee Members

Dear Sirs –

HOPE you AND all members note the CHANGE in rules below becomes effective at once.

Should  you choose to point out these changes are inconsistent with the bylaws, or that bylaws may only be changed by a vote of the Olympic Committee, your recourse is laid out in the paragraph below labelled “Protests”.

—————–

Qualifying for the US Team

1. — Those wishing to play for the US may do so, and may NOT be required to show ID or proof of residency or citizenship.

2. — Those that unfortunately died prior to the Olympics may NOT be discriminated against on the basis of this status. They will be allowed to compete. Again, requiring them to show valid ID is hereby deemed inappropriate.

3. — Men will be allowed to compete on any women’s team, or vice versa, as refusing to do so would be blatant gender discrimination.

—————–

Uniforms

 The shameful practice of allowing Ralph Lauren to outsource uniforms to China is over. Henceforth the contract will be awarded to a DNC donor, who will then outsource them to Finland.

—————–

Judging Changes

Shooting Sports

 Only judges will be allowed to have weapons. We apologize for any inconvenience, but this is best for safety and the protection of all competitors and observers.

Timed Events

 In timed events the use of stopwatches will be discontinued. Runners will report their own times on the honor system.

Basketball and Hockey

 Teams consistently scoring higher points will have 30% of their points deducted and re-awarded to teams that failed to score at all.

Track

 In past we awarded medals to those with the fastest times. Studies have shown this placed some runners at a serious disadvantage. This year, runner’s times will be averaged to avoid giving unfair advantage to the swifter contestants. Medals will then be awarded to those that donated the most to my campaign.

——————–

Security

To better serve those present — We’d like to announce we have purchased enough ammunition to shoot every man, woman and child at the Olympics twice or more. Further, we have imported aerial drones and MRAP battle vehicles from war zones, to preserve security of course.

Protests

In the event anyone protests any rule above, they may at the discretion of the president be indefinitely detained and/or killed. To avoid unnecessary alarm to others in cases where action is necessary, a wet t-shirt contest will be held simultaneously on the other end of the complex until the punishment is effected. *

* Yes We Can.

 

I’m Rob Jones… and I approve this message.

Breaking News: Shep Smith Sees Trump’s Shadow

Forecast:  Six More Weeks of Silly News
Fox News Shepard Smith spent hours today in giggly anticipation of “breaking news” about whom “The Donald”* would endorse. He speculated on the nature of the coming event.

Oh the mystery. Oh the intrigue.

  • Would “The Donald” endorse Newt as previously expected?
  • Would he break from expectations and endorse Romney?
  • Would Lassie get ’em to quit guessing “Timmy’s in the well?” and just fill the waterbowl?

Did someone in programming think there are hordes waiting for “The Donald”* to speak before they commit to a candidate? If so, who told them that horrendous lie, why are they so gullible, and where were they when I had listings with dubious foundations for sale?

Finally the much anticipated moment arrived
“The Donald”* stepped forward to break the mounting suspense. He would support Romney. He did so for a number of weighty reasons; His splendid debate performance, his principled stands on issues, and he was the only one that made the pilgrimage to see him that hadn’t giggled at that combover that looks like a squirrel nesting on his forehead.

This Changes EVERYTHING
Or so we were assured by a breathless Shepard Smith following this pseudo-monumental event.

Everything? Really?

  • Are housing values still lower than their mortgage?
  • Is the unemployment rate still attrocious?
  • Is our national debt still higher than Charlie Sheen on a weeklong bender?

If the answer to any of the above is “yes”…

Then it didn’t really change quite “everything”. Sorry, but overselling an event important to maybe 3 people (ok, 4 if we count you) was  almost as annoying as listening to the angry dyke at MSNBC pretend to be a journalist instead of an embedded Obama campaign staffer.

Behold the KingMaker
Notwithstanding “The Donald’s”* desire to be perceived as having affected the outcome, his timing looks suspiciously like he just waited to see who was the likely nominee, then announced support so it might appear someone actually cared who he favored. We see similar acts from guys that speak to dead relatives of audience members. “Does someone have a deceased love one with an S in their name? You madam… he is beside me… is his name Sam? No? Simon? Ohhh, Susan. Yes… that’s it, Susan is here with me….”

RE: The asterisk after “The Donald”…
Any grown man that can repeatedly call a guy The {insertname} should be relegated to hosting a children’s program. C’mon Fox, your viewers deserve better than this breathless fanboy stuff.

There was real news to report today, and you’d have been just as well served devoting the coverage to Punxatawny Phil. It had just as much news value and a slightly stronger 50% chance of accuracy.

I'm Rob Jones... and I approve this message.