Sexual Harassment!

HER: I want to lodge a harassment complaint.
HR REP: What is the nature of the offense?
HER: I caught Bob viewing a near nude picture of me online.
HR REP: Online? What site?
HER: Here it is.
HR REP: Ma’am, that’s Facebook.
HER: So? Does that make it OK to harass me?
HR REP: Not trying to belittle your problem… but have you considered NOT making it your profile picture?

I’m Rob Jones… and I approve this message.

Fireworks Control vs Beer Control

Unless you’re beneath a rock you know a 22 year old died July 4 when he placed a “mortar” atop his head and it exploded. He was drinking at the time, though it may have merely been a coincidence. Right?

His mom is suing for controls on explosives. Cause ya know, who knew explosives might explode?

  • — Does the box mention it?
  • — How big is the font?
  • — Does it say NOT to launch from atop your cranial cavity?
  • — Are there guards keeping it from fitting on your head?

Before getting too rough on mom, consider she might have a point, albeit backwards. Should she sue Anhauser Busch for not having a warning that the product shouldn’t be consumed while playing with deadly explosives?

Granted if that suit won we’d need MUCH larger beer bottles for all the warnings needed.

  • — Do not operate motor vehicles, power tools, or trans-continental passenger jets.
  • — Avoid use while making life changing financial decisions.
  • — Not for use while considering matrimony.
  • — Product makes really bad ideas sound great.

Then again if we made separate bottles for men and women you could get more specific, with warnings such as:

  • — Men: Caution – Does NOT make you bullet proof or sexy.
  • — Girls: Warning – Promises heard during consumption may be intended to loosen your morals.

It’s a well known fact that men have gone to bars, picked up a 10, awakened with a weak 4. Yet nowhere on the bottle is there a warning about this. Women have similarly been duped into any number of regrettable decisions which may be directly attributed to the malicious refusal of big alcohol to provide sufficient labeling.

stupid warningJust some food for thought. Let’s face it… we are all tired of seeing wedding videos after the fact and discovering we were duped by a memory of “awesome dance moves”.

Someone has to pay for this.

I'm Rob Jones... and I approve this message.
I’m Rob Jones… and I approve this message.

PC vs Humor: Lighten up folks… life’s too short as it is

Salon.com (hardly a bastion of right wing thought) recently posted about Seinfeld & other comedians condemning regimented PC “sensitivity“. It’s become so ingrained they avoid venues (like colleges) where it is more fashionable to hiss than laugh at jokes which fail to meet the ever growing “tolerance” rulebook.

blazingsaddlesThat incidentally is why movies like Blazing Saddles, which by any measure is dedicated to pointing and laughing AT narrow-minded bigots, not with them… couldn’t be made today.

That’s unfortunate, as it is probably the best movie in history at making bigotry and racism look totally stupid.

And for the record, it isn’t NEAR as funny watching it on PC-wary channels that bleep out non-PC words to avoid even the possibility someone might be offended.

monty-python-gay-drilling-260Similarly, the Monty Python show, which pushed a LOT of boundaries, had more gay jokes than virtually any show then or now… in skits performed by a largely gay cast. It’s called “having a sense of humor“.

Heck, Foxworthy makes a living telling redneck jokes, which I find hilarious. Not IN SPITE of the fact many hit me, but because of it.

[And no, I do NOT date my cousins. Anymore.]

So how DID the land of the free turn into the land afraid to giggle? I feel sorry for kids growing up with this nonsense. They’ll miss a lot of fun.

They’ll also miss worthwhile lessons about REAL tolerance… not the kind that demands you censor yourself and others.  If you consider censorship even mildly related to tolerance, you might want to look the word up. You’re using it wrong.

I'm Rob Jones... and I approve this message.
I’m Rob Jones… and I approve this message.

MSNBC: Photo of Jeffrey Williams Released

black baby graduationDateline MSNBC
Family releases photo of Jeffrey Williams, the child who confessed to accidentally shooting 2 Ferguson police officers.

Family points out that notwithstanding prior criminal convictions… “he a good boy who love his momma and gonna apply to Harvard soon as his ankle monitor comes off”.

Stated his mother, a single crack whore just trying to make a living in a world of white privilege… “I axe you, can’t accidently shooting a cop or two happen to anyone?”

Asked for comment, the president emphatically denies Jeffrey is one of his imaginary sons. Meanwhile, Ferguson protester Deray McKesson indicates his sources verify Mr Williams is secretly a member of the KKK.

I'm Rob Jones... and I approve this message.
I’m Rob Jones… and I approve this message.

ETIQUETTE TIP #107

How not to be a Dick

 

ETIQUETTE TIP #107:
Remember, the obligation to be courteous shouldn’t stop in the workplace. For example, ladies, if offered a relaxing backrub, it’s annoying when you immediately assume it’s only offered as a prelude to sex.

In the same vein, it’s just rude to respond with a barrage of questions like “Who the hell are you” or “How did you get into my house?!”.

I'm Rob Jones... and I approve this message.
I’m Rob Jones… and I approve this message.

Statistics Never Lie

statistics never lieGAME SAFETY SURVEY —–

* SURVEY OBJECTIVE:
Identify safe children’s games

* SURVEY QUESTION:
Is this game safe to play?

* POPULATION: 6 players

* SAMPLE SIZE: 83.33%

* RESULT: YES 
(100% concurrence of interviewees)

FINDING: Survey covers more than representative sample of population (1 player was unavailable for comment). After interviewing all available participants, we have overwhelming data to support conclusion the game is safe.

RECOMMENDATION: Recommend adoption in elementary schools as replacement for dangerous playground games.

NAME OF GAME: “Russian Roulette”

I'm Rob Jones... and I approve this message.
I’m Rob Jones… and I approve this message.

White House Announces Improved Border Security

NATIONAL SECURITY NEWS
This morning the White House announced completion of a new ultra secure southern border fence, built at a cost of $3 trillion. Nancy Pelosi pronounced this as clear evidence of the president’s continued commitment to the safety of our homeland.

A $4 billion bid is underway to have the sign thereon translated into Arabic, Urdu, Pashto and Farsi.

border gate

The sign contract, secured by Barry’s Imaginary Son & Sons, is estimated for completion in June.

In Related News…
The president of Mexico filed a formal protest, saying such unwarranted and Draconian security measures might deny millions of central and south American children their right to unfettered access to the US education system.

I'm Rob Jones... and I approve this message.
I’m Rob Jones… and I approve this message.

Hey Kids! Time to Play ObamaSpeech Bingo!

OBAMASPEECH BINGO – The ISIS Version

TEAM A SCORES WHEN OBAMA:
1) Starts speech 15 or more minutes after announced time
2) Says “Let me be clear about this”
3) Blames “previous administration” for anything
4) Attempts to sound like MLK and breaks into southern belle accent
5) Says “Islam is a religion of peace”
6) Takes credit for something he had little/nothing to do with
7) Calls ISIS “ISIL” to avoid pointing out he screwed up in Syria
8) Raises voice while pointing toward right field foul line
9) Says “boots on the ground”
10) References woman in audience fainting, throws out water bottle
11) Says the phrase “right side of history”
12) Gets off teleprompter and surrenders to France

 

TEAM B SCORES WHEN OBAMA:
1) Says “because it’s the right thing to do”
2) Blames GOP, tea party or Do-nothing congress.
3) Raises hand to ear in “I can’t hear you” mode
4) Any permutation of the phrase “crossing the line”.
5) Mentions powers he has which are not enumerated in Constitution
6) Mentions the death of Osama bin Laden
7) Pretends he crushed Al Qaida
8) Says “as Commander-in-Chief”
9) Actually catches fainting woman
10) Emphasizes point with left-hand hatchet chop
11) Gets off teleprompter and comes out of closet

jackassAdvanced Players & Alcoholics:
• Teams alternate taking Tequila shots every time he uses the pronoun “I” or “me”. When you lose consciousness you are out.
• If he uses them more than 5 or more times in 1 sentence, both teams must stand on one leg til he does so again. If you fall down you’re out.

.

BONUS: If he admits that a country the US had in its possession when he took the reins is being conquered by a guy the US had in captivity when he took the reins… both teams win.

 

I'm Rob Jones... and I approve this message.
I’m Rob Jones… and I approve this message.